Why Can’t We Be Friends?


Friendships, especially lady friendships, have been on my mind a lot lately, partly in thanks to the Guide to Friendship that Trin posted last week. It’s gotten me thinking about how few lady friendships I have, and how many more that I wish I had, and it’s occurred to me that what I have more than friendships are friend crushes.

A friend crush, as defined by me, is when there is a person in your life that you would really like to be friends with. It’s kind of like a romantic crush, only, you know… you just like them. Not like like them (I think).

Let me give you an example.

k-on cake

You like cake? I like cake too! We could totally eat cake together!

Today I had a consultation with an endodontist to see if one of my teeth needs a root canal (verdict: not really, but I can get one if I want one). When the doctor finally came in the room and introduced herself, I liked her immediately. She’s my age, she’s friendly, and we had some great conversation about my various medical conditions (her cousin also has narcolepsy! she also has thyroid problems!). She even thanked me for teaching her something, when I explained why I took a certain medication for a condition that is, in fact, not diabetes, even though doctors always assume I have diabetes when I tell them I take that drug.

Throughout the rest of the consultation, she was informative and helpful. We made jokes, we discussed things in depth, and we giggled with glee at our mutual nerdiness. Our connection was so profound, in fact, that eventually I actually began to feel a bit self conscious. You know, the way you do around a crush, when you want them to like you.

Perhaps this was where I went wrong; allowing myself to feel self conscious. I thought to myself, “We can’t be friends. She’s my doctor.” But then I kept wondering why not. Is there some rule that says a doctor can’t be friends with her patient? I don’t know anymore!

So now here I am with yet another friend crush.

This might be a slightly different situation than most, though, because there is at least a somewhat tangible barrier between us. Most of my other friend crushes are much more nebulous, but they all seem to have several similar characteristics.

  • She and I are at least acquaintances. We know (or at least know of) each other and interact with each other occasionally.
  • She and I have similar circles. We know and interact with a lot of the same people.
  • She and I have many things in common. We like the same things and like to talk about those things. We do the same activities! We both love cats! We play the same video games, and we like the same characters from the same animes, and we read the same books!
  • She and I seem to think along the same lines. Maybe not for everything, but for enough things. We would totally get along. Look how we’re geeking out about the same things and mirroring one another’s thoughts!
  • For whatever reason, she does not seem to think I am as interesting as I find her. Oh, she’ll respond if I engage her, but she never seeks me out or engages me first or responds to things that I say/post/do. She may even make plans to engage me in the future, but never follows through.
  • She keeps me at a distance. This is similar to the previous bullet, but whatever, I’m also putting it here because I think it’s important to note.

What I don’t understand is why.


Why can’t we be friends?

I promise I'm not pushy and bossy like Haruhi!

I promise I’m not pushy like Haruhi!

Am I too enthusiastic? I really don’t think so. I’ve never been the pushy sort, and I certainly don’t ever want to try to make someone do something they don’t want to do. I don’t think that I — at least I sure as hell hope I don’t — come across as needy or like “hey hey let’s be friends omg I really like you, come on, be my friend!”

So, then… Am I too standoffish? Maybe I don’t seem interested enough in being their friend, and so like me (after all, we’re so similar), they don’t want to push me into friendship, so they keep their distance. Perhaps?

Or perhaps… I’m just not that interesting? Maybe they don’t have time for more friends? Maybe I smell bad? Maybe they’re put off by my excessive use of parenthetical statements? Maybe I’m just awkward and write things like this?

I don’t know. I don’t know! But I promise I’m not a creeper. I just want to be friends. I just want to interact with people with whom I have things in common.


6 thoughts on “Why Can’t We Be Friends?

  1. Maybe it just *is*. What will be will be, and all that jazz. If the other person isn’t reciprocating then it probably means you wouldn’t have made good friends anyway. If you stay true to who you are, even if that means you’re sometimes standoffish and sometimes a little too pushy, you at least know you’re being YOU and that anyone who befriends you is taking the complete parcel.

    • I mean, you know… you’re right, obviously. It’s not like I’m going to *change* anything by asking why. It’s just that for most things in general, I need to know why. And also how. I ask questions all everything, all the time. I just need to know! O_O

  2. Ahh this is so crazy it happens to me too! I have friend crushes all the time…and am always puzzling WHY they don’t seem that excited by the fact that we are so similar and have all this stuff in common?! I mean, shouldn’t that make them equally geek out? I tend to think it’s just bc they have a lot of friends…? Some ppl are really cliquey and like to keep certain friends, always holding future potential friendships at arms length and preventing them from getting closer. This is weird, but it’s def something I’ve observed numerous times. Then again, I feel like there’s always a different reason why the friend crush doesn’t allow it to blossom into a friendship– it’s hard to deal with because not knowing why drives me crazy!

    • Yeah, it drives me crazy, too! I’m glad I’m not alone in this, even though it’s kind of a sucky feeling to have, lol. There’s one girl, recently, that I basically had to kind of just… give up on. I stopped paying attention to anything she does or says or posts online, because it hurt too much to continually be ignored when I tried to engage her (by, you know, commenting on her stuff, etc.). Sigh!

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